How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Happens to everyone.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
no their not
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
2022 will be better than 2021
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”