Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
You Might Also Like
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.