We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
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My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what