First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
You Might Also Like
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
The point of your 20s
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I’ve had relationships like this