Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
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Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate