Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
You Might Also Like
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime