netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
what kind of cook setting is this??
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”