Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Well, that should do it
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths