men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
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HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.