I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
pls suprot
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”