I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
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*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
the best thing i’ve ever made
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French