Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
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[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Meme Monday.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Merica.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying