I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Saw your ex at the shops
me linking you to my twitter
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.