to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 馃檪
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 馃檪
You Might Also Like
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren鈥檛 one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I鈥檓 a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I鈥檒l send him a really shitty one
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can鈥檛 send or receive emails. I don鈥檛 know why I didn鈥檛 think of this sooner.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We鈥檙e just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Maybe Oscar wouldn鈥檛 be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
As a scarecrow, people say I鈥檓 outstanding in my field. But hay, it鈥檚 in my jeans.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I鈥檓 very okay with that
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
“you鈥檙e the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot