It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
honestly, i need both: