Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
podcasts
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them