2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”