art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
You Might Also Like
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Festive toon…
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.