ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
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Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
never deleting this app.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats