My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
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You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
The biggest mystery of our time
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy