Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
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I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.