It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?