Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
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People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”