Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
*lint rolls you awake*
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing