It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally