why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
You Might Also Like
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Livid.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you