Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
We’ve all been there…