I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
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yeah not falling for this one
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Are these grass-fed oranges?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice