Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Saint West, the patron of selfies
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.