the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
You Might Also Like
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.