The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Personal question. #JustSaying
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.