Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.