Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
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I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic