Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.