911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
This is my pinned tweet
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?