If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.