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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
wtf management?!
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.