ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies