If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
You Might Also Like
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.