Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
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Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario