I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
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I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Incredible customer service.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Never let them know your next move 😂
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother