Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
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The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
How funny!
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.