*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
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Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.