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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
My kitchen overserved me.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.