request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?