Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
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Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
5 ways to appear taller
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Merica.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
There are no pants in heaven.