covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
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excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My sex drive has a dui
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Webb. James Webb.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.