Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
My love language is hissing.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo