It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I think my mom just blocked me
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.