me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
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I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?